I have published research papers on mechanisms of cancer, DNA repair in Tuberculosis bacteria, and learning through game play. I have led a game development team to create a truly novel kind of learning game, once that integrates the learning into the mechanic. I have learned to code, learned to manage teams of software developers and excelled at designing user experience tests.
Perhaps I should be more proud, having understood and been successful as so many complex fields. But the truth is that I have been so successful because I have such a high tolerance for failure. When I am faced with something I do not understand I am drawn to it and I enjoy the process of looking for clues, looking for the fundamental principles that define the system I am studying. I know this is why I enjoy studying the natural world so much, because the fundamentals are beautiful, and they define the universe which is beautiful.
The thing is that a person who feels comfortable in a world of questions knows nothing of confidence. I don’t understand it, and do not understand it in others and never learned to imitate it effectively. How can we know what is right if we don’t have data? And once we have data, who can we extrapolate to other situations? We can, but carefully and humbly. I use the data I have to stumble blindly forward through the dark woods, hoping I am right but knowing I can’t know everything. I push forward not because I am confident but because I can’t get more data unless I move forward. I extrapolate, I gamble, I guess… because I desire more information. I am not confident. I am in love with the universe and I want to understand it.
This love of investigation and lack of ego hasn’t made my life easier. Squeaky wheels get the grease and those who market themselves well become well known. I hope that in the next 30 years of my life, I am more successful. Switching fields also makes things harder … The last 11 years hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I think confidence is keeping me from reaching out to people. Perhaps this lack of confidence is a little too pervasive.
I have trained as a biochemist, as an education researcher, as a game designer. I am done being trained. Here come the courses and here come the games. Oh yeah, and the confidence. I’m going to say it. Out loud: If you don’t think science games can be fun, then you aren’t doing it right. And if you don’t think the average grade school kid can understand molecular cell biology, then you aren’t teaching it right.
Here we go. This blog may get kind of racy, since a 50 year old woman is going to be letting loose about her life, with new found confidence. 🙂
